A few of my favorite things...

I’m not a big fan of anger or hate.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for passion and conviction, but the ones of more negative nature are not my favorite.

In fact, I try to avoid them as much as possible. Of course, it is impossible to avoid them altogether, but when I go through them, I try to resolve it quickly.

When I was a child, I saw a lot of anger and rage from my siblings. My parents were pretty good about curbing their emotions (though they aren’t free from it, no one is). My brother, however, was… frightening.

To the point where I began to wonder if he would kill me one day. Maybe his anger will just take him over the edge and then it’d be all over. No more fear, no more anxiety, nothing.

I began to fear anger. To the point where I would stop myself if I ever felt such an emotion of anger or rage. 

This probably had a big hand in me developing BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) as I was unaccustomed to rage and would fly into when my brother and sister moved out of the house.

Most of my anger was turned inward. I did a lot of self-abuse, to the point where I have left emotional and physical scars. 

When I was dumped by my first love, I had a lot of hatred. I hated him for doing that to me. I hated his friends for abandoning me. I hated his best friend for just ignoring me. I hated so many people.

But most of all, I hated myself.

But as time went on, I began to develop fears of certain places and my ex-boyfriend’s car. I saw him once in an intersection and I had a panic attack while driving. I had to pull over and just let it all out.

So I began to read about letting go. I read about moving on. Books on grief, losing a loved one, or just about anything that encouraged closure and growth. 

Then the word “forgiveness” came up. It came up a lot. I read about the Amish, forgiving people that murder or accidentally kill one of their own. I read about the parents of murder victims, forgiving a serial killer for killing their daughter. 

I quickly realized that what happened to me was not as bad as what happened to those people. To those strong, loving people who forgave the people that essentially ruined their lives.

So I began to work on forgiving the people who hurt me.

It took about five years to accomplish it. Sometimes, when I am at my low, I think back to how those people ruined my life after high school. Sometimes I think I should sue them for emotional damages and bill them for all of my medical care (including three hospital stays) and medication costs. It would be in the hundreds of thousands. 

Of course, I know that it is ridiculous and I would never actually do it. But still… the thought of justice, some kind of justice, was very tempting.

But as I progressed on my quest to forgiveness, I realized that the longer I was angry at these people… the longer they will matter in my life. The longer they will impact my life. 

You can’t rush forgiveness. But you don’t do yourself any favors by harboring resentment or having negative thoughts. At the same time, don’t ignore how you feel. Vocalize your emotions and talk through it either to yourself or a kind ear.

Just realize this:

The longer you stay angry at someone. The longer you hate them. You let them stay in your life. You make them a daily part of your life and you will never be free of them. As long as you feel ANYTHING towards them… they will always, always matter. 

Focus on moving past your issues. Focus on finding happiness within yourself. Focus on finding who you are aside from them.

When you find that, embrace it. Don’t let go.

Then, as time slips by, it becomes easier and easier. Then, one day, you’ll realize you spent the entire day, the ENTIRE DAY, without thinking about that person or persons. 

That person no longer matters. What they did to you will always matter because that is what drove you to forgive them. But that person, his/her life, his/her happiness, his/her emotions… they won’t matter anymore.

On a humanistic level, of course I care about those people. If they die, I will weep for their parents. If they are injured, I will pray for them. If they need comfort, I will hope that they will find it. 

But I don’t need them in my life. When they did those things to me, they lost the privilege of having me as someone to count on. 

Now, they must make it through the rest of their lives without me.

That is their loss.

You can move past this.

Forgiveness is key.

It will set you free.

Waiting

I have been sitting around for the past seven hours. My mom is out of surgery, and she is fine.

It sucks that there isn’t much I can do except sit here and tell the staff what medication my mom takes and if she gets nauseated from taking pain medication.

I am exhausted and I want nothing more than to go home and sleep. But right now, my mom needs me to be her eyes and mouth.

I have been under general anesthesia twice and I perk up pretty quickly afterwards. Right after they wake me up, I can wake up an hour after that.

But still, I am built a little more like a Great Dane whereas my mom is a cocker spaniel, at best.

She looks very pale and sallow. I have only seen two dead people in my life, but when I first saw her I was so shocked as to how she looked.

I guess nothing prepares you to see your parent in such a state.

She’ll be okay. I can eat and rest later.

Maybe I can take a nap. Haha. We can both sleep together! :)

Hospitals put things into perspective

I know most people don’t like hospitals. But I do.

I love being cared for by these professionals. I love spending time with other patients (at least in the psych ward). I love sleeping in their large, comfortable beds.

But I know as far as medical care goes, I have been receiving the best that there is. I couldn’t have had any better medical care.

People say hospitals remind them of death. Yes, it is true, people die in hospitals. But people also die on the freeway, in their home, in prisons, etc etc.

For me, a hospital puts things in perspective. You see some people waiting in the surgery waiting room and they look so worried. Their faces lined with anxiety and stress.

But some people are calm, like me, knowing that the surgery is minor and it is unlikely for something to go terribly wrong.

Some people like airports because you get to see all of the love surrounding you. Soldiers returning home, grandparents seeing new grandchild, or a dad leaving to go on a business trip.

I like airports too. But I like hospitals for a similar reason.

In one place, a new life is brought into the world or leaves the world. Or someone gets a new lease on life, or the realization that there is nothing more they can do.

Joy and sorrow.

Life and death.

All in one place.

It is so amazing that so much emotion can be packed into one place. Most of us never experience all of those emotional situations at once.

To me, hospitals are a place for our lives to play out. A lifetime of emotions playing out in one place; something always at work or experienced.

It is an amazing sight.

At least, it is to me.

“Hello, IT.”

My Dad just asked me to set up his computer with the Internet, because my Mom wasn’t able to do it. I walked downstairs and the first words out of my mouth were,

“Did you try turning it off an on again?” 

hahaha. 

Of course, my idea worked. I disabled the wireless and then enabled it and lo and behold, there were a list of available Internet connections for us to use.

“Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off an on again?”

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There is goodness in everyone.

This, I believe.

my pants are too big O_O

It’s been two weeks with this new meal plan and already, my shorts are too big! My pants were too big a week ago, but my shorts still fit. Now, when I pull at the waist band, I have like… an inch and a half of space between my hip and my shorts. 

I’ve lost 4 more pounds over the past two days. I’ve been sure to drink a lot of water, so I stay hydrated. I’m hoping I’m not losing water weight. I don’t FEEL dehydrated, but still, I have to be careful. It’s kind of scaring me that I’ve been losing weight so quickly, but I guess that’s what happens when I just stop snacking and eating sugary foods. 

So in total, I’ve lost around 20 pounds. I’m trying not to weigh myself too often, as I don’t want to be wrapped up in a number. I keep reminding myself that this is for my future health, not to look good or wear smaller clothes. 

During my stay in the hospital, I lived with many young men and women (mainly women) who suffered from eating disorders. It was horrible to watch them struggle and I wish everyday that they will be free from their chains. I don’t want to fall into the same trap. 

But I don’t think I will, as long as I make sure I’m doing this for the right reason. 

My parents want to know why I don’t go out running or do massive amounts of exercise. I guess I’m just afraid of losing the weight too quickly and getting too wrapped up in the number going down so fast. I want to feel better, physically, and that’s all. 

It’s not about the number. It’s about what’s within your heart.

Eating right, feeling good

I’ve had a weight problem since I was in middle school, according to my family. But now that I am 23 years-old, I still struggle with it.

But earlier this month, I began to feel quite ill. I have some psychological problems which probably made the situation worse, but suddenly the foods I used to eat were no longer working for me.

Slowly but surely, I began to cut things out of my diet. First to go was redbull and coffee (caffeine in general) and I felt better already. Not as good as I hoped, so I kept going. Next was processed, added sugar. No cookies, sodas, cupcakes, candy, or just about anything with added sugar. That was kind of hard. But immediately, I felt SO much better! My nausea and anxiety were gone (nausea was most likely caused by my anxiety, that’s what my docs told me). 

But I had a problem with my energy levels. I used to not eat breakfast, just out of lack of desire, but I began to really feel fatigue and cranky by the time lunch rolled around. If I don’t eat for very long, I just have no appetite anymore. Not good, I know. 

I tried to eat things like rice, bread and pasta, thinking it would sustain my energy. But it didn’t help and in fact, I only got hungrier quicker which was no good because I don’t have time to eat constantly throughout the day.

So I decided to eat healthier carbs, instead of white flour, so I switched to eating a nice bowl of oatmeal and blueberries every morning. I also cut down my portions of brown rice.

Also, I’ve been eating a LOT of vegetables. Vegetables are usually the main course in each meal or at least a huge side. I avoid potatoes, of course, but green, leafy vegetables are now a huge portion. Korean chives, parsnip leaves, collard greens (no added fat, just garlic), green onion, and lots of mixed salad greens. 

I’ve only been eating like this for about two weeks and I’ve already lost 15 pounds!  I’ve been trying to amp up the exercise, because it eliminates some of my anxiety during the day. Afterwards I feel quite relaxed and no longer worried about being idle. 

The best part of all this is that I don’t MISS the foods I used to eat. I now associate those types of foods with feeling shitty and tired. I like eating what I eat now because it doesn’t make me feel ill and I don’t throw up anymore. 

My breathing has also been better, my sleep has been better, and overall, I just feel much better! It’s pretty awesome!

But I guess it gets even better, because now I am losing weight for myself, for my health. I wanted to do it for the right reason and not to make myself more attractive to other people.

I’m glad I did this now, instead of later on in life. It feels good to eat well!

Growing up is not that hard to do

My favorite comic strip of all time is “Calvin + Hobbes”. There was a series of strips centered around Calvin and his parents going away from their house. When they returned, they found out their house has been broken in to. Hobbes was left behind in Calvin’s bed. Don’t worry, they found Hobbes, but the windows were broken and the TV was missing.

That night, Calvin slept soundly with Hobbes, but his parents are having a little trouble. Calvin’s dad sits up in bed and says to himself,

“I wouldn’t have been in such a rush to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.”

I still kind of believe that sometimes. I know I will think that when I have a husband and kids, however now… being an adult is okay.

Whoa, I’m an adult. I’ve come to slowly realize that when I started to tutor children again. Made me realize that I was an adult. They listen to me, ask me questions about growing up, and call me “old.” haha.

I mean, it took me a while to realize this.

Like Mister Darcy said,

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun.”

Okay, so maybe I’m not madly in love with someone, but I find that quote rings true for me in a lot of things. I was already an adult by the time I realized I WAS an adult.

For the longest time, I could only think about the stuff I’d be missing out when I was an adult. However, most of the things I miss were only possible because I was much smaller (not just width, but height). I miss sitting in my dad’s lap, being carried everywhere, snuggling in bed between my parents, letting my dog pull me on the scooter (rest in peace, Jangoon), and running through the tall grass (not being seen).

But now I can do “adult stuff”. Like paying for my own stuff, driving a car (that I own), having an amazon.com account, my own credit card, money in the bank, can stay at home alone, watch/rent rated R movies, have a pet of my own, live on my own, go out to dinner with my friends, and… have my own life.

Growing up isn’t hard to do. Everyone grows up, at least physically and eventually mentally. We learn how to deal with the stuff we don’t like, or avoid it completely. We make decisions, good or bad, and people stand by it. 

When the kids in my neighborhood were playing ding-dong ditch, I really wanted to scare the crap out of them or spray them with a hose. But I realized that it would not bode well with their parents, since I am now an ‘adult’ and I cannot sit around and wait for kids so I can attack them. (I do remember Calvin’s dad sitting in the bushes, waiting for TP’ers on Halloween, but alas, I think that is only in comics.)

Men, who look old enough to be my father, hit on me at the market or while I walk the dog. It’s creepy. It’s weird. I look at them and still call them “Mister” so and so, but now I realize that they’re not really “Mister” anymore, they’re “Carl” or “Steve.” 

I’m an adult. Weird.

But I like it. I think I can handle this pretty well.